rehabilitation. that is the best word that i can describe the state of my life since my last words. and no, it does not have to do with any of an number of physical wounds that i have received as of late. it is a life change more than anything. it is a personality change? it is a personal change. it is not a change back to conditions that previously existed, which the word might insist, but again, webster is wrong. and i will tell you why. rehab is not to make you your normal self again, its aim is to improve life, make it better than it ever was before.... even before the addiction. before the pain. it is the aim to be relieved from all inhibitors to achieve enlightenment in whatever respect you wish.
my enlightenment as of late comes from a number of experiences: first the one to set it off.
cassandra and i were sitting enjoying ourselves at my place when i had her read ray's blog, which i frequent, his post of last week being one that i thoroughly enjoyed and wanted to share. after reading, the conversation naturally lead to blogging and i told her that i had one, this one. now, this might not sound like a big deal, but it was. i keep this blog for myself and a select other few that know that i started it some time back. i don't know in reality how many people do read this, and i care not to know. but whenever someone says that they have read my blog i am instantly surprised they have found it or even find it interesting. i have inhibitions to share my blog with others. why is that, i did never really face till i asked myself why i had not told cass about it earlier. was i ashamed or just selfish? was i afraid of myself in some respect? why i did not own to it by putting it on my facebook page like everyone else, i know not. but i like to just say that i like to keep some of my life private.
this single enlightening experience threw my head for a whirlwind and thus i started hearing the word everywhere. inhibition. inhibitions. inhibilitate. i know that one is wrong grammatically, but i heard it on campus, no joke. i am not the only one that makes up words.
i heard such profound statements as: inhibitions are fear expressing themselves. you are afraid to do such and such... i had no interest in really ease-dropping, but the word caught my ear. i heard it in class, read it in books and i said it some more.
i have come to realize some of my inhibitions. i have come to know why i have they. i am trying the healthfully overcome them, but some are really needed. my super ego making my actions and words appropriate, if you would. but anyways, the ones rooted in fear are the ones i am focussing on right now. fear of love, loss, and looserness (thats a good one, eh?). and i focus on fear because i HATE fear. i hate it so much i violate my no caps rule to illustrate my hate for it. living in fear is pointless... i would rather die than to live in fear of my livelihood. and so i have tried to actualize myself with my fears and inhibitions. i am not perfect in this respect, and i am not trying to sound bad ass by saying such. i am just being honest. authenticity is the goal.
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